Struggling

I had to have a chest x-ray for my lungs Friday. Well got results today and the nurse said the nodules in my right lung are bigger than my last x-ray. So what do I do first panic and call hubby. He calms me down and tells me no matter what we will get thru this. I'm trying to be strong and leave it all in God's hands. But I won't see lung dr until 9/4. So my stress level will be high. I keep wondering what does that mean. Is this it? I was given 5 years and here I am at 4 3/4 years. I just am trying to remember God has a plan. God is in Control. I need to give it all to God. But I'm worried. I have no great insights. I have no answers. I am once again in Limbo because of Lupus. I hate this disease

I Got Into School

A huge praise today. I got into Indiana Wesleyan University. I am going for my Associates in Christian Ministry and will eventually be going for my Bachelors in Pastoral Care and Counseling. My goal is to be a counselor for the chronically ill. I have prayed about this for 4 years. I am jumping out on faith. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it. But I am praying the Lord will provide. I am truly trying to show people we make be sick but not down. We are not faking. I hope to make all of the chronically ill proud and to be a fighter for them. I hope my rambling make sense. Lupus has been a long journey. But I have faith God has a plan. So here I go I hope I don't fail.

Finding Joy in Lupus

This Morning in Church my Minister Larry McAdams commented that you can lose your joy dealing with a chronic illness. He was preaching on Philippians and how Paul told us to Rejoice in the Lord. Well it got me to thinking. I did lose my joy when I was in pain, but I did find it again. So I want to list the ways Lupus has taught me to Rejoice.

Lupus taught me no matter what my husband has my back. He has modified our home, life, and anything else we need to make life easier for me. He even does laundry. I prefer him to cook things like McDonalds, Delivery pizza and such lol. But what joy to know he will always be there for me when I have often wondered if he even still liked me. Lupus has taught me how much he truly loves me

Lupus has taught me I raised two strong loving and intelligent kids. My kids will always drop anything and come running when they are needed. They have sat in hospitals, doctor visits, surgeries and many test when Dad could not be there. They even remember what the doctor says and report it all to dad. Lupus does not allow me to remember all. What Joy to know you raised your kids right and they love their mama no matter what.

Lupus has brought me back to God. I don't think I ever lost my faith but it did waiver. I have spent many days praying for God to take me home. He has not answered that prayer in the way I asked but he did answer it. I am still here and learning all the blessings I truly have. And with God's help I think I have found a purpose in Lupus. I will somehow get through  school. I will learn to be a counselor for the chronically ill and through it all I will show God's Love through it all.

Lupus has took my hair God has brought it back

Lupus has took 5 inches of my colon God showed me I didn't need it

Lupus took my healthy Lungs. God helped me work towards being able to walk around anyway. I have walked and prayed for many years for God to help me not lose my air. I can now walk 3 miles a day. 

Lupus Has showed me when things get super tough my brother and my sisters will always be there for me. They will drop everything and come and help. I grew up never knowing rather they really cared or not and what Joy to find out they did. 

After my Lupus diagnosis a grandson I had not seen in a year came back into my life. And God gave me 2 more adorable grandsons, What a joy they are.  Think of all I would of missed if God had took me home. I often wonder if I would appreciated being a Grandma like I should if it was not for Lupus. They are truly the biggest joys in my life.

So what am I trying to say. Well in all things we can rejoice. As awful as it can get there is always a way to look for good. When Lupus finally takes my life I hope that my loved ones remember I am home and no longer in pain. I hope even in the worst days  you may find some way to rejoice. I also found a new favorite verse today

Philippians 4:9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

A praise

Today is my 28th wedding anniversary. I can't believe 4 years ago. I was praying to make it to my 25th and here I am on my 28th. We have had many ups and downs. Some people ask me how we have made it this long and all I can save is Love and the Grace of God. It has not always been a bed of roses. But I don't think I would change a minute of it. I love you Scott Alan Wells. 

Answered Prayers

My hubby goes to work every morning at 1 A.M. I go to work every morning at 5 A.M. We don't see each other to pray together so I have come up with a rather novel approach when I text him I made it to work I also text him the prayer I say for him every morning. Now this may seem strange but I want him to know I'm praying for him. I ask God to keep him safe every day. 

Last Wednesday I got a text at 6:07 Am it went something like this. 

"I'm fine burnt truck down. Not burnt but truck is gone"

Now back of trash trucks do catch fire because of someone putting something they shouldn't in there. And this has happened and Scott has put it out. But when I met up with him that night this is what he showed me!

The second picture is where he was sitting. It the 25 years my husband has driven a trash truck we have never seen a fire like this one. How he is not burned I can only say is Thanks to God. He is shook up but safe. I thank God. So if you don't think prayer works. I still have my hubby safe and sound to annoy me another day. 

I had a pretty good bout of Nausea on Friday so hubby took me to clinic. I got to have lots of blood work. Well scheduled a follow up with Doctor for 8/9, Well test results are back in and doctor wants me in his office tomorrow afternoon. When we were there Friday he thought it could be ulcer or may gallbladder. I am super nervous. I hate when they move appt up like that. I have anxiety and it just gets it going something fierce. Hubby calmed me down some. I just have to pray about it. I have to remember God is in control. This disease has already tried to take me out twice and failed. My Daddio always tells me I"m stronger than I think I am. Its really hard to remember that. I don't worry about me so much. When Lupus finally takes me I will be in Heaven with God. I will feel no more pain. But I do worry about my husband and kids. I hope they remember I have had a wonderful life. I hope they remember I'm no longer in pain. So if you can say a little prayer for me. In the back of my mind I"m sure its all fine. But with Lupus it all changes in and instants. I need to remember that 

2 Chronicles 20:15 says'

"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s."

Now I"m off to take it all to God

School Dreams

Okay I have not posted in a few days. Lupus raised its ugly head and not been feeling well. Had to leave work early yesterday which I hate. Blood test this morning could be Ulcer could be gallbladder could be who knows. LOL

Okay my post. I finally got the nerve to ask my boss to write my recommendation for school. She basically said no. Why because to go to school you can not cuss. And I cuss. I'm working on it I'm wanting to apply at  a christian school and we must sign a code of conduct. I have been working very hard to stop cussing but do you know how hard that is when everyone does it? So if you are the praying sort send me some prayers to control my mouth. I am not giving up on my dream to go to school. I believe there is a reason it was placed on my heart. It just is not the time. I am not ready. So please don't let one little set back put away your dreams. Pray about them. Ask God for his Guidance. Ask a  minister to pray with you. Ask me I'll pray for you. Just don't give up. Don't let one bad habit stop you from Greatness. 

Feeling Thankful but tired

Hubby took me to Terre Haute today. I don't  get around much as my Lupus makes car rides miserable. We discovered and adorable christian bookstore called "The Open Door Christian Bookstore". We also had breakfast at Pats Cafe by the Boot Opry, Lunch at Fuddrucker and of course checked out Terre Haute Bowling Center. 

Hubby Got me a new bible cover, cup and bible highlighter. All purple but my bible cover. 

Now I'm so exhausted I can barely think. My legs feel like someone took a bat to them, But I had a wonderful day. Sometimes you just have to tell Lupus to "Bite Me." and go on with your life. 

Depleted

I want to go back to school to learn to be a christian counselor. My ultimate goal would be to start a ministry for people with chronic illness. My husband told me tonight I should not go into ministry to help people but to get closer to God. He doesn't think I have good intentions. But I do I have prayed about this. It just did not pop in my head. It was laid on my heart. The program is at a school I have never looked into. So now i sit doubting myself. Could I even get accepted? I haven't been in school for 30 years. How would I pay for it? How will I manage time, work and my illness? Am I just living in a dream world. I truly believe there is a need for this ministry. But when the most important person in your life does not support you how do you believe in yourself?

Morning Phone Calls

My Husband call every morning between 5:00 AM and 5:30 AM. I get up for 5:00 AM for work. He always seems to call at the worst possible moment. I'll be in middle of putting my hair up in ponytail and its still half in brush, my pants half on, one arm in shirt or mouth full of toothpaste you get the picture. I truly think he waits for the worst possible moment to call. It drives me absolutely insane. He always says the same exact thing every morning " Whatcha doin babe?" I"m doing the same thing I've been doing for the past 3 years I'm getting ready for work. Again totally drives me nuts.

 I can never understand why he has to call me every morning when he knows I'm trying to get ready for work. 

Recently I listened to the Audio book by Laura Story "When God Doesn't fix it" I thought it was going to be about chronic illness which it is sort of. Her husband has a brain tumor and while its not cancer. Removal of the tumor does leave them with some challenges such as short term memory loss. The book was not exactly what I thought it would be. I've been reading every christian book I can find about chronic illness. The book was written for Laura's viewpoint as the spouse.

 I had never truly put much about how my Lupus has impacted my husband Scott. At the time in our life when out children had left the nest and life should be good. I got Lupus. I understand the impact Lupus has on my life but what about Scott. One day he had a totally happy wife the next he had a wife he didn't know would live or die. Have you truly thought about the impact on your significant other?

Scott in now in charge of laundry, grocery shopping (not to sad about that one), he no longer takes weekend fishing trips with the guys, He drives everywhere we go. 

After Listening to the book I realized that annoying phone call every morning, the reason he makes it? He calls to see if I woke up!!! He calls to see if I'm dead! Can you imagine wondering everyday if your spouse woke up? So after realizing this I now answer that annoying phone call "Morning Babe" but he still calls at the worst time!!! 

Sometimes we need to step back and remember this is not only our diagnosis, but the whole families, We fight as a family. I am very blessed to have a very strong backbone in my husband. So every morning I pray for him and Thank God for his Blessing of my husband. 

Here is the link to Laura's book if you would like to read it. Its very good

https://www.christianbook.com/doesnt-lessons-wanted-learn-truths-without/laura-story/9780718036973/pd/036973

The oldest child drops a bomb

So my oldest Tate came down to tell us he's moving to Georgia! Georgia! That's 10 hours away from mama!! What is he thinking. Tate is the child who does most of my appointments with me. But I'm hoping it's a good thing for him. I have to put it all in Gods hands. Stress can cause a flare and we don't need that. On the upside I finally have a vacation spot if I'm ever able to travel that far.

Welcome to my Blog!

Hello Butterflies. Welcome to my blog. My name is Paula. I am a Wife, Mom of 2, Grandma of 3, I am a believer in Christ (although I cuss a little) and I am living with Lupus. On this blog some post will be happy some not so happy. But I will be truthful about my Journey. Lupus has totally changed our family, But we are stronger with it. We will not give up the fight.